'Kabhi Socha Bhi Na Tha' ki one fine Tuesday afternoon, I would have to waste 2 hours of my precious time (rather life) watching one of the most inane and absurd movies ever made in the history of cinema called Kabhi Socha Bhi Na Tha ( KSBNT)
However, with a lot of hesitation I did push myself to reach the Apsara multiplex bang in the middle of Grant Road, to check out this film which supposedly was considered too mature for the Indian audience to be cleared by the censor board. I doubt if that was the real reason, may be the censors didn't want the audiences to suffer this nonsensical film Well, as soon as the lights went off , I knew what to expect considering the banner which has made the film is called 'Artiskinky Production'. The film (mainly in English) essentially talks about six good-for-nothing youngsters who have only one thing on their daily agenda- Sex, sex and more sex.
Well, for all those who think that the movie would be having enough of those titillating scenes, you would be sorely disappointed. 'Kabhi Socha Bhi Na Tha' ki a movie that talks about love, lust, and live-in relationships would barely have a handful of the 'so-called' steamy scenes (that too shot on a shaky handy cam). In fact, since the whole film is shot on DV format, you even have the DV details, timer etc. flashed near the bottom left side of the screen. Wish they had a countdown timer instead so that viewers would get an idea of how long they have to endure this piece of crap.
The film hardly has any path-breaking story so it comes as no surprise that I couldn't really fathom much of the story myself. However, nevertheless would try and convey the essence of the film so that you fortunate mortals don't have to undergo the same torture as Yours Truly. The movie starts off as a film inside a film where the six principal characters are giving auditions. Each one of them is asked questions such as:-
1. How important is sex to you?
2. What do you hate the most about the opposite sex?
3. What is love? What is lust?
4. What is marriage according to you?
5. Your views on one-night stands and many more such lousy questions...
This ritual of answering such questions by staring right into the camera continues throughout the film and after a point you do feel as if you are watching one of those candid confessions they show on seedy news channels.
A brief character sketch of the protagonists is as follows:-
Ozzy (Vishal Watwani) is a complete good-for-nothing youngster who rushes to the loo each time he sees a beautiful girl.
Neel (Dibyendu Bhattacharya) is a dark, plump, be-spectacled jobless writer who has not even written a single line for his book and either keeps boozing or watching the idiot box the whole day.
Ritu (Seema Mishra) is Neel's live-in partner who has done some course from Cambridge or Harvard or some such top notch school abroad.
Diya (Sandhya Shetty) is the quintessential model who sleeps with each and ever man she comes across.
Sukhi (Rishi Khurana) is a gawky youngster who keeps fantasizing about sexy girls but doesn't have the balls to approach them.
Radhika (Madhoo) is a counselor who herself needs counseling as she is confused about her own sexuality....
The film shows Neel and Ritu as a couple who are living together in Mumbai. Ritu tries to hook her 2 friends Ozzy and Diya together. Ozzy and Diya do spend a night together but Diya humiliates him for not living up to her expectations in bed. Meanwhile, Sukhi is making the trips to a counselor Radhika to come out of the depression of his girl having dumped him. Before you know it he starts getting attracted to the counselor herself but gets the shock of his life when he discovers that she is a lesbian...
This was when the film reached its mid-point and I heaved a sigh of relief. The post interval portions are even worse as almost all the cast members end up sleeping with each other. Neel and Ritu break up after a showdown and Ritu moves out of his place and into Ozzy's pad. Neel has a quickie with model Diya. Just as I caught a wink, I realize Neel is now visiting the shrink (Radhika) and even getting attracted to her while. Sukhi is now dating Diya. By the time I could figure out who is going around with whom, it was time for me to get an appointment with a shrink.
As for who gets whom in the end, I couldn't care less but would like to point out that the gawky Sukhi finally gets married to a Mongolian female wrestler because he felt her hug was really warm. Gaaaaaaaaawwwwwwd! save us poor souls from such torture.
The film even suffers in the technical department. The sound is inconsistent throughout; the background music oscillates between irritating and annoying and you even have Jolly Mukherjee crooning the title song towards the climax just as you want the film to badly end.
The performances are nothing to write home about. Except Rishi Khurana (funny at times) and Seema Mishra (bearable) the others are stiff and wooden and seem to carry one expression throughout while delivering dialogues, while making out or while even staring at the camera and answering those stupid questions.
The direction is absurd and confusing. What point is director Kallol Sen trying to prove? If it is the fact that sex is no longer considered taboo in modern India, surely he could have conveyed it in a better manner than by showing everyone sleeping around with each other.
However, the most disgusting aspect of the film is its crude, corny and cheesy dialogues. When you hear two girls discussing about men in bed and saying dialogues like , "He even applies cologne on his balls"..and he keeps farting in his sleep..., you know you have had enough and its time to rush towards the exit door.
Enough endured and suffered, must say maine 'Kabhi Socha Bhi Na Tha' ki 2 hours of movie- watching experience would seem more torturous than 2 days of starving without food and water.
This master-piece deserves a place in the archives of all film-making schools just to show the students how not to make a film, how not deliver dialogues and more importantly how not to act.