Nikhil Advani's tongue-in-cheek look at how to succeed at the movies 
By IndiaFM News Bureau, December 8, 2005 - 02:52 IST
BROWSING through the shelves at Mumbai's Crossword store, I often wonder whether there are really seven habits that can make you an effective person. Or whether there are truly 20 tips that can jumpstart your sex life. Perhaps there are… as self-help books seem to go like hot cakes! They are definitely working for a few thousand people and why should we, struggling tortured filmmakers, not be included in this demographic? So, here's my contribution to the cause.
10 EFFICIENT STEPS TO MAKE A BOLLYWOOD FILM
1. Decide for yourself. If you are going to be a filmmaker, it's
unlikely that your soon-to-bewife, father or grandparent will cherish the thought. As my lovely grandmother said to my father, even two years after I was in the line, “Bahut ho gaya, abhi koi achhe office mein naukri dilva do.” But you have to keep going. So, let's move on to the next step.
2. Find a story. One that hasn't been told a hundred times over already. Easier said than done, as you soon find out. Fellow filmmakers are just as well-armed as you - with their memberships at the local DVD library!
3. Take a U-turn. Don't go to the nearest library. Stop at the local raddi shops and pick up a few novel ideas instead. Note: If the author is dead, filmmaker/re-maker is less likely to be sued. Reading is a great idea. And don't feel pressurised about ploughing through depressing heavy stuff. With all due respect to the classics, you could find your inspiration anywhere. Raj Kapoor's Bobby was inspired by Archie Andrews, I believe.
4. Script done? Invest Rs 5,950. Film India Directory: Rs 350, Prepaid mobile card: Rs 600, auto-rickshaw fare (for about 56 trips and back): Rs 3,000. Photocopying scripts to leave behind: Rs 2,000. Finding a producer: Priceless. Suggestion: Always carry paper and pen with you. During the many hours you will spend in the reception areas of producers' offices, there is a good chance script numbers two and three will get written. Also, wait it out. Don't get impatient or disheartened and leave - at some point, the producer will come out (he has to go home, right?). Persistence pays, so persist!
5. Think about Hailey's Comet. And how lucky you would be to see it - a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon! You are about to start reaching for the stars yourself. But not yet. Driver, spot boy, secretary, wife, girlfriend, mother, father (not necessarily in that order), you will go through the whole sequence waiting for that oncein-a-lifetime moment. A meeting with the star you want to cast. It happens, finally. Feeling like Neil Armstrong himself, you launch into your powerful narration. It all goes beautifully. Mr Hailey's Comet instantly summons secretary, who in turn efficiently whips out diary, and pencils in your shooting dates. “When?” you ask. “Close to your 40th birthday - or if you are lucky, some time in the next two years,” could well be the answer.
6. Enrol in Brilliant Tutorials. Or Agarwal Classes. Or whatever is the latest. Permutations, combinations, calculus, nothing seems to work when it comes to matching dates of hero, heroine, comedian, villain, child artiste, dog… As a last-ditch effort, contact tarot card reader or numerologist. Procure auspicious date and time and simply begin shooting - with whatever you have.
7. Shooting - from the hip. Your dream is finally coming true. So what if punch lines seem to have lost their punch, locations have lost their lustre, dialogues sound dull and scenes are being completely reinterpreted (read: misinterpreted). You are going ahead and shooting as best you can. Something inside you is giving you
the confidence to keep going, so you just finish the shoot. It is that old and wise adage: “We'll save it in post…”
8. You realise the saying is old, but not at all wise. Never believe a film can be saved in post-production.
9. Book your package deal to Vipassana. You'll need it either way. If all goes well on the first fateful Friday show, it's finally time to relax. If otherwise, it's going to take all your spiritual courage to ignore those Sunday reviews. Hopefully, the no network problems will prove to be Godsent and spare you all the details (especially the little details about how you got a half-star rating).
10. Ignore rules 2-9. Since you have decided to take the plunge and be a filmmaker, there is only one rule now: make your own rules. If the audience and critics agree that your film and your rules don't work, then get up, dust yourself off and get back on track - it's time to make new rules. To quote Philip Knight's philosophy - just do it. That's the only way films get made.
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